I was reading a post over at The Private Man a while back about adaptability. In the comments section, a discussion developed about introverts and whether or not they could change and become more extroverted. I’m not here to talk about introverts, but it did get me thinking. The introverts in the comments section kept talking about how impossible it was to get laid as an introvert. Well, I have a confession to make.
I suffer from nearly crippling Agoraphobia.
Lots of people think agoraphobia is a fear of being outside your house. This is not the case, although extreme cases can manifest in this way.
From Wikipedia: Agoraphobia is a condition where the sufferer becomes anxious in environments that are unfamiliar or where he or she perceives that they have little control.
In my particular case, I cannot deal with things like supermarkets, malls, the DMV or any situation where I have to come into contact with what I like to refer to as the seething masses of humanity.
I am unable to function in any situation where I am not in control, that I cannot easily escape from or where I do not understand the people or the rules that govern them. Mistress and I were dating for over a year before I finally assented to attending a gathering of her family. I knew I would not be comfortable, and I knew they would hate me. I was correct on both counts and it would have been better had I never met them, but she really wanted me to. I am sure she regrets it to this day. I was uncomfortable, I was surrounded by people that I did not understand (democratic liberals) and she drove so I was unable to escape. It’s shocking that I made it through without a panic attack.
I have been without a driver’s license for 5 years. I have been eligible to get it back for over a month now, but I have not done so. It would be wonderful to be able to drive my trucks and buy another motorcycle and go riding like I used to. What stops me from getting my license? My fear of the DMV. I have attempted to go there and handle things 3 times now, and each time I panic when we pull into the parking lot and tell Mistress to take me home. The mere thought of waiting for hours, elbow to elbow with the scum of our society, unnerves me to the point that I cannot bring myself to do it.
When I am forced to do things like go to the supermarket (I have to go to buy alcohol. Mistress is not old enough) it ruins my day. While there, I am very short tempered and if forced to speak I actually stutter and my thoughts scatter. Before Mistress came along, when I attempted to go shopping alone I would often have a panic attack and leave my cart full of groceries where it was and run for the door.
I imagine some readers will think this issue discounts my Alpha cred. Such is life. I am not afraid to leave my home. Going to a bar does not bother me, as long as the bar has a pool table. Once again, agoraphobia is fear of being in a situation over which you have no control. I am a very skilled billiards player, and I quickly take control as long as I can play. It relaxes me and allows me to interact with confidence. I never go to a bar without a pool table.
I can still go to parties. I have the ability to take command of a room or a group with ease. I’m very well spoken and confident, so commanding the attention of a crowd comes easily. However, if I show up at a party or gather where I don’t know anyone, it takes me a while to get a grasp of the dynamics and personalities at play before I take command. But I can still cope.
According to Wikipedia, twice more women than men suffer from this disorder. The gender difference may be attributable to several factors: social-cultural traditions that encourage, or permit, the greater expression of avoidant coping strategies by women (including dependent and helpless behaviors); women perhaps being more likely to seek help and therefore be diagnosed; men being more likely to abuse alcohol in reaction to anxiety and be diagnosed as an alcoholic.
I thought that little tidbit was rather interesting. I first manifested this disorder around the age of 19 or 20. Around the same time I became an alcoholic. Before that, I used cocaine and ecstasy on a regular basis. I got off the drugs and straightened my life out, then suddenly I found I could not cope with many situations (shopping, post office, DMV, etc.) Once the anxiety attack drove me away from the situation, I would drink to calm myself down. Otherwise I would continue to be freaked out for a long time. Thus was an alcoholic born.
Does this affect my Game? No, it does not. I bring this up because of all the Introverts over at Private Man claiming it is impossible to get laid as an introvert. I’m fairly sure my problem is equal to being introverted, so if I can still pull women, so can you.
Sorry if this was a bit random and odd, but as I have mentioned before….this blog is my outlet and this was on my mind. I want my readers to know as much about me as possible, so they understand the things that have shaped me and understand the man from whom the words flow.
-Dr. Illusion
That is an interesting condition to deal with I am sure.
But I get the point. If you can get laid when you have nearly crippling agorophobia, so can other introverts who don’t have it.
Any man can get laid. Any excuses they make are just that: excuses. I was on the chess team in High School and was a bookworm my entire life. I played Magic: The Gathering and Dungeons and Dragons and I still got laid like tile. Developing agoraphobia has not hindered me at all. Getting laid is easy.
“Getting laid is easy.” Hey fella, don’t let the secret out.
It’s sad that men need to be told that getting laid is easy.
Introversion is not an indicator of social ability.
I knew a guy with OCD that was largely unable to leave our town. He could make certain sallies out for periods of time, but he couldn’t stay long before he had to return, if only for a few moments.
I liked to imagine he would turn into a pumpkin if he couldn’t get back in time.
Nice guy.
To say it hasn’t affected your game seems like a stretch. It seems like your life is tailored around it. This isn’t to say the effect has been negative, but I don’t imagine it isn’t there.
This does add a few missing pieces to the puzzle, however.
When I said it didn’t affect my game, I meant women have never dumped me or refused to sleep with me because of my issue. Actually, ever girl i’ve dated has found it somewhat endearing and been happy to run all my errands for me.
I’m just tired of hearing all the excuses.
“I can’t get laid because I’m not 6 feet tall.” I’m 5’10.
“I can’t get laid because I’m balding.”. I shave my head.
“I’m too shy to approach, so I can’t get laid.” I’ve cold approached maybe 5 times in my life. Delicious Tacos and I discussed this the other night. The majority of both of our lays have been chicks approaching us. I can’t shoot a few games of pool without being approached.
I just tire of hearing the same excuses. I’m an agoraphobic, alcoholic chain smoker who can’t drive. If I can do it, anyone can.
As a former agoraphobic(arguably) alcoholic chain-smoker who couldn’t drive, I envy your ability to have others find your flaws endearing.
This is a skill I have never possessed.
Dr. don’t feel bad at all about this, it’s very common for guys like us when we’re in our twenties, as a matter of fact, I suffered much the same as you when I was your age. But when you hit your thirties and even better your forties, it seems somehow to go away. The only time I feel that way anymore is when I go to a venue is way too overcrowded with what you call the “dregs” which is most anyone these days and I have to push my way through the crowd to get anywhere. Latest example, New Years Eve at Disney World this past December. I thought I was either going to start elbowing mofos up side the head or find a place where I could hang myself quietly.
I don’t really let it bother me, Bill. I don’t particularly like people anyway, at least your average people. My idea of a social outing now that I’m retired from Game and in a LTR is the Mistress and I going to the little liqour store in the neighborhood and shooting pool.
The store is owned and run by a sweet elderly couple who know us by name and they have a pool table in a back room. I buy a 12 pack of beer for 9 dollars and we shoot pool and talk to the old country folk that hang out up there all day. Then back to the homestead. I don’t desire crowds or any more interaction than that. Talking to the old men about farming is plenty of fun.
man, you’re not alone, two weeks ago i was in a supermarket and i thought my heart was going to explode, my legs felt like butter and my head… well, it took a lot of willpower but eventually i reached the exit and suddenly felt alright. and yes in an environment you can easily “control” no problems, nonetheless when i want i girl it undoubtedly works a lot more smoothly if i take her apart from the group, in that case things can go pretty fast, but in the former eventuality the forementioned group act just like a massive cockblock haha… “…women perhaps being more likely to seek help and therefore be diagnosed; men being more likely to abuse alcohol in reaction to anxiety and be diagnosed as an alcoholic….” interestingly enough almost all the guys i know are binge drinkers, or at least they drink heavily in weekends and holidays, and in exactly the same fashion, almost all the gals i know either take prescriptions or are under some kind of meditation/yoga stuff… well, at least booze is cheaper, the old social lube…
btw the rawness has a post about all of this, it’s quite interesting:
http://therawness.com/raw-concepts-maladaptation/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+therawness+%28The+Rawness%29
Supposedly only 3 percent of the population suffers from agoraphobia, but I think the number is a lot higher in reality. Men drink to kill the anxiety and don’t bother figuring out the cause.
“My fear of the DMV. I have attempted to go there and handle things 3 times now, and each time I panic when we pull into the parking lot and tell Mistress to take me home. The mere thought of waiting for hours, elbow to elbow with the scum of our society, unnerves me to the point that I cannot bring myself to do it.”
Ah the DMV, great place to get reading done. Can polish of War and Peace whilst waiting in the queue.
What you should do is send Mistress in with her phone and get her to wait and when its your turn give you a call (whilst you are sitting outside in the car) so then you don’t have to wait with the dregs, just in and out.
You’re right about control helping. I was never agoraphobic but I was very introverted and shy and scared of going out. Somehow that is changed, because I feel in control and command where ever I go thanks to game, working out and having worked in a position of authority with crowds (cannot recommend this enough) – working as a bartender, bouncer etc where you feel you are in control of the crowd because of your position is a great way to break the nervousness. After a few years I of that I view all crowds the same
I wouldn’t put her through that. She already runs all my errands, cleans house, does laundry, cooks and drives me everywhere.
Another definition of Agoraphobia is anxiety when you feel you are in a situation you cannot easily escape from. I start getting anxious just being stuck in traffic because my control and mobility is limited. I did 5 days in jail once and that nearly drove me insane.
Huh, I thought that was a part of my introversion. I don’t have it anywhere near as bad, but I have a thing about salespeople. Simply can not deal with salespeople in stores. I need a new pair of work shoes, but can’t muster the will to subject myself to them & I’m too old to wear cheap shoes that don’t require a shoe salesperson.
Many times I have left a grocery cart in the aisle & walked out of the store, but usually it was because someone pissed me off